I cry . . . a lot; not externally, but internally. I go through the steps of a normal cry, minus the tears. My rare occasions of actual tears are formed by one of two occurrences:
1. I’m so pissed off that all I can do is cry. (i.e. Steam is rising out of my nostrils as I kick back my feet in the dust, ready to charge my target.)
2. I just watched Armageddon.
No, I don’t cry because the movie’s that bad; although, with a cinema studies degree, I’m obligated to admit that it is. I just use it for my crying pleasure; geez, get off my back.
I cry internally for various reasons. It’s the summer storm that is my emotions. Emotions: what assholes, right? My closest companion lately has been that bastard, Fear. That son of a bitch prances right up to me with his cocky smile, knowing he’s about to take me over. He gets me every time. I fall at his feet like a crushing teenage girl. He gets more powerful with age, too. His favorite time is in the company of approaching change. And since our lives are always changing in various ways, he’s always lingering nearby.
Speaking of which, have you noticed that change gets scarier as we get older, or is that just me? As humans, we’re always reflecting. Our reflections show us that we’ve survived change in the past. Personally, I look at change from a statistical standpoint. I look at the odds like I’m betting in Vegas. You can only survive so many times, and the odds are not in my favor.
Luckily, as we get older, we also get wiser, and we know that change is good. We fear the good and expect the bad. It’s how we’re built, or, at least, how I’m built. I’ve had my ups and downs, and change and I have been pretty passionate this past year. I know change is for the better. It’s still scary, though. It’s like walking down a dark tunnel and your flashlight goes out. You have to rely on your faith (and equilibrium) to lead you back to the light.
I know all of these things. Yet, fear still gets the best of me. The closer my upcoming move appears, the more forceful my fear becomes. This led to my dry cry spell Wednesday night.
Wednesday, I bought my first website. It was an impulsive decision. Well, it was and it wasn’t. I’d been toying with the idea for months. I’m a writer. I need a place to display my work. I knew that, but it also felt like a big commitment, one I was unsure about. A writing website takes dedication and my writing dedication tends to focus on my novels. Plus, I never felt like my life was exciting enough to carry an ongoing blog. And what would the domain name be? I stalled the decision.
Life (or Fate) has a funny way of bringing puzzle pieces together. If I can’t find an exciting thing to write about in New York City, then I’m doing something wrong. There are parks, plays, movies, concerts, pro-sporting events, live television recordings, poetry readings, museums, art galleries, sightseeing, trips to stalk the Rolling Stone office, various cultures to explore, historical movie and writing spots, tons of free activities, and food (duh); and let’s not forget the nightmare experiences. Those can be entertaining to read and write. (New York City apartment hunting, I’m coming for you, bud.)
And then the final puzzle piece fell into my lap Wednesday afternoon. My best friend, Scotty, texted me and said he had the perfect blog name for me: Ramen Holiday. He was right. It was perfect:
- It’s an homage to an Audrey Hepburn film.
- There’s a running joke between my family and friends about how I will be surviving solely off of ramen noodles. (We received a ramen cookbook as an NYC housewarming gift from my best friend, Rachelle.)
As soon as I heard the name, a cloud of spontaneity formed over me. I jumped online like I was in a sprint, fearful some other genius would beat me to that name. (It was available in .com, .org, .net, and .nooneelsewantsyourname.) I did some quick research. I read some articles and shopped around for the best rates, but within an hour I’d purchased my first website. It was after I impulsively clicked the purchase button that I realized I had no idea how to build or run a website.
The scene: me, dry-crying on the futon and Scotty, texting, keeps me updated on his progress of trying to get my site up and running.
I felt overwhelmed and in over my head. I’ve felt this feeling many times and I’m sure we’ll hook-up more in the near future, but as a little foreplay before we do, I’ll revisit this post and remember how overwhelmed I felt that night on the futon. Then I’ll remember how, within twenty-four hours, thanks to Scotty, my first website was up and running. There’s still work to be done, but this domain name and I are about to go on a journey, and together, we’ll grow.
My adventures in New York haven’t begun, but they’re coming quickly. Plus, our last pre-NYC month is filled with some exciting adventures of its own: a road trip to view apartments; a peace out with Savannah; my best friend Nikki’s wedding (which is sure to result in a love letter); and after a year and a half, I’ll be reunited with one of my great loves–Cincinnati food. We’ll devour the Nasty Nati’ right before we take a bite out of the Big Apple.
So, readers . . . WELCOME TO MY WEBSITE!
Care to join me for a Ramen Holiday?