The Truth’s About the New York City Subway

New to New York or just here for a visit? Allow me to share the truths I’ve learned over the past 8 months about the New York City Subway.

Please Note: This was written while I was riding the subway.

1. Avoid eye contact.

2. When someone pulls out a thick, juicy, voluptuous Chipotle burrito and begins to eat it, your animal instincts will likely take over. Try your best not to attack.

3. You’ve reached a true dilemma when you’re seated next to the smelly guy or girl on a full train.

4. There’s a special place in hell reserved for those who speak loudly on a morning train.

5. Reading a book and wearing headphones is subway code for do not disturb, or in New York terms – fuck off.

6. Always carry a book or headphones with you on the train.

7. The Subway is that friend who’s always running late and likely to have a breakdown at any moment.

8. There’s a look of dread shared by seated passengers when a pregnant or elderly passenger steps onto the train. Everyone looks around hoping they don’t have to be the “decent citizen.”

9. While musicians on the platform are cool, pretending you’re auditioning for The Voice on an enclosed car is not.

10. There’s a time and a place to have an orgasm, neither of which is on the subway.

11. You tend to learn more about other riders lives than you’d prefer. Don’t be surprised when you stand to exit the train and find yourself telling the Chatty Cathy next to you, “leave that bastard.”

12. There are many types of crazy in this world, one of them is called “Subway Crazy.”

13. “We are being held momentarily by the train’s dispatcher due to train traffic ahead of us,” will become your least favorite sentence in the English language.

14. You will at some point use every cuss word you know to curse that Mother F***ing, @od &*mn piece of $#!+ subway.

15. But then you always end up riding it again later.

16. When the subway actually arrives on time and gets you home at a decent hour, you feel bad for the awful things you said to it.

17. The subway isn’t all bad; once you ride it enough you begin to develop superpowers and can tune out everything and everyone around you.

18. Then that s.o.b turns on their boombox.

19. If you’re listening to some kick ass music (*using headphones*), you mustn’t lose yourself in it. It’s NEVER okay to grind the metal pole.

20.  Despite all of the subways quirks and flaws, it’ll take you anywhere in this insanely expensive city for a grand total of $2.50. Once you get past the bad smells, the disease invested handrails, the obnoxious riders and the unpredictability of the subway’s service, you realize you love it and wouldn’t trade it for a day of road rage. (Although, it’s kind of the same thing.)